By Josh deVries
Living on Long Island Island and matriculating at Boston University creates a commute that is easily made on any given weekend. It is one I do periodically and I have always trusted Bolt Bus. The usual bus ride is a typical Bolt Bus experience. Cheap pleather seats, a crowded bus, and of course, complimentary WiFi and outlets. It's four hours on the bus and you're at your destination. However, sometimes I guess everything breaks from the mundane routine at one point or another. That was this weekend’s commute in a nut shell. Out of the ordinary.
It all began on Friday at around 2:00pm. I had just got on the bus, sat next to a guy who looked like another college student. We exchanged a short conversation of,
“This seat taken?”
“No.”
“Great”
And that was it. I put my pea coat in the overhead and sat down with my laptop to began the commute. That was until she showed up. From the front of the bus, everyone could hear a knocking on the front door. Now this wasn’t a normal knocking. I’ll admit my heart skipped a beat. It sounded like this woman was knocking to get on the bus as if a knifeman was chasing her in pursuit of fucking filleting her into pieces of meat. But, no. She’s fine, no knifeman. She merely screams,
“I HAVE A TICKET”
Alright we get it Charlie, you got the fucking golden ticket, great.
So, sure let her in, right? But, no it can’t be that easy. My bus driver proceeds to scream back,
“I AIN’T GOT NO SEATS ON HERE!”
The argument continues for a bit and I just tune it out to the sound of my iTunes playlist until the knocking comes back. She’s screaming bloody murder to get on the bus and again is unsuccessful. This time, Mr. Charming my bus driver decides she’ll get the hint when he just pulls away practically running her over as he holds his whole body on the horn.
We were off to a great start.
So we get on the highway and all is forgotten because we’re making great time. I start to doze off a bit, nothing big. But I’m woken up to what feels like the scene of a James Bond Movie. The bus is practically on two wheels as we speed going at least 75mph on a side street to get onto I-95. So at this point I’m figuring the knife man is back and now has a car and we’re running away from him too? Or has the fucking lady from before hired a tank to blow up the whole bus? Or are we just on two wheels cause its fucking fun for our bus driver. Either way, thanks a lot douche bag. I think I peed a little on those turns.
So, one ride down, I finally make it into New York. I kiss the ground a bit as I step off the bus. Until next ride I swear, it can’t be any worse….
We pick up the action on Sunday February 21st. It’s time to head back to Boston. I show up early to 34th and 8th, the site of the Bolt Bus departure and as a result I have my pick of seats. This is going to be a good trip, I know it. I pick a row of seats that looks like it has the most room and I plop down all my belongings and head to the free WiFi. Life is good.
So I sit down put my headphones on until I see her walking down the aisle eyeing my shiny pleather empty seat next to me. The inevitable happens and Cindy Wang comes up alongside me,
“Oooh, I sit next you?”
….Yeah fuck if I care Cindy, go right ahead. So she sits down, all is fine.
Then I see a group of people walk on all together and start to make a ridiculous amount of noise. I lower my music to try to make sense of the commotion. It’s a tour group of mentally challenged adults. I remain optimistic, hoping for the best out of this Bolt Bus experience and I settle down, laptop in hand, Cindy next to me.
Within five minutes of the ride I notice Cindy is getting a little close to me. I look over and she’s out like a light. I mean, passed out. Mouth open and rocking back and forth. I go back to my computer, listening to music and that’s when I feel Cindy. She’s falling asleep on my shoulder. I mean that’s cute and all Cindy but I just fucking met you. Too fucking soon. I give her a little gentle nudge and she’s woken up a bit. Take this scenario and repeat it about five times and that’s how my bus ride started.
Cindy finally finds a crevice in the seat to rest her head, an obvious second choice to my shoulder and we all settle in. That is until I can hardly breathe from the smell of pure ass from the back of the bus. And then I’m reminded of the company that came on the bus earlier.
“UH, OH! WHO DID IT?!” screams Gary from the back of the bus.
“OOOOOH WHO DID IT??? WHO DID THE BEEP-BEEP”
“YOU MEAN THE FART? NOT ME!”
And then, in what seemed like in unison came,
“OOOH ELIZABETH! ELIZABETH YOU FARTED! YOU DID THE BEEP BEEP!”
Great, thanks Lizzy. Thanks for also sitting right behind me as well.
The rest of the bus ride remained as usual, a couple of random screaming out bursts, Cindy getting closer and closer to me and the convenient and free WiFi saving me from this disaster.
That’s all for now. Tune in next time for the Bolt Bus Blog.
-Josh
